Mind Your Internet Ps and Qs

This blog is going to be a bit of a rant.  If you are looking for my usual positve, fashion posts, you are definitely in the wrong place.  Those will return next week, I promise, but this week is all about getting my rant on.

Let me lay down the law right now.  YOU ARE LITERALLY ENTITLED TO NOTHING IN THIS WORLD. Not a job, not a romantic partner, not someone's time and energy.  None of it.  You don't get shit for simply existing.  You want a job? Bust your hump until you get one.  You want a partner? Be a good human being and it will happen for you. Be a shit stain and well, good luck to ya.  You want to interact with strangers in the world?  Be polite and realize that no one has to talk to you just because you want them to.

There is this weird phenomenon on the internet where people will send random strangers elicit photos of themselves.  The dreaded "Unsolicited Dick Pick" and it's lesser known, rarely seen "Unsolicited Tit Pic".  If you are about to send an elicit photo to a stranger I want you to stop right now and.... well that's it really.  I just want you to stop right now.  This is the virtual equivalent of ringing someone's doorbell and flashing them when they answer the door.  Would you do this in real life?  Doubtful.  And if you did, you'd get a ride downtown by the 5-0 for lewd behaviour.  IT'S A CRIME, YOU DODO HEADS!

The amount of unsolicited messages I get now, since taking this title 9 months ago, is astounding.  I tried ignoring them but the messages just keep coming.  

I've tried reasoning with the senders; impossible.

I've even tried snarky replies.  I just get the predictable insults in return.  Remember when you slid into my DMs five minutes ago and now I'm a fat cow.....yeah me too.

Dudes on the internet:  Please, for the love of god, stop messaging random people on the internet with pics of your genitals and propositions.  Seriously.  It ain't cute.  It doesn't work out in your favour.  Ever.  If you want to meet women on the internet there are these things called dating sites.  I hear OK Cupid is the new good one.  I met my lovin hubby on Plenty of Fish.  There are internet avenues open to you to meet women.

I asked around, grilling the men in my life, if they had ever received unsolicited messages on the internet.  Many of them had.  From other men.  Usually in response to a comment on a public post where the last word was needed.  Slide up in to those DMs, drop the last word bomb, then block and run.  It's the real life equivalent of jamming one's fingers in their ears and screaming "LALALALALALALALALAICAN'THEARYOULALALALALALALALALA".

It's childish and manipulative.  Don't do this. If you are debating on a public thread, you are not entitled to speak to a person in private.  Would you track down Mary from Leslieville and show up on her doorstep to tell her that her opinion on Toronto's roads is stupid?  Just because Cam Wooley from CP24 cornered her durning her morning commute does not give you the right to her time and attention. Probably not.  And if you did you'd get a ride downtown with the 5-0 because you would be trespassing and uttering threats.

If you are on an internet dating site and you message a person, you aren't entitled to a reply, ever.  Just because 2 people are single doesn't mean that you're going to match up.  If you don't get a reply, it's ok.  What's not ok is to threaten a person for their lack of reply.

WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYONE EVER THINK THAT THIS BEHAVIOUR IS A) ACCEPTABLE AND B) GOING TO END IN A POSITIVE WAY?!?!?!? Like she ain't gonna fall into your arms and thank you for bringing her to her senses.  She's going to block your ass.

And finally, I think my favourite internet weirdo:  The "I'm-going-to-hit-on-you-until-I-realize-you're-a-dude-then-I'm-going-to-ask-you-for-dating-tips" Guy.

A little back story.  Last spring, my husband and I attended a fun event planned by a friend of ours.  We danced and had a great time.  We snapped this selfie.  My husband posted it as his profile picture.  Cute right?

Until my husband received his first unsolicited private message.  He was annoyed by the tenacity of the messenger (who wouldn't take no for an answer) and asked me "is it always like this to be a woman on the internet?"  I sadly shook my head and said 'No.  They usually end with insults or threats of violence." He was so disturbed by the message, and could't believe that people just message strangers hoping that they'll get a response.  Here's the exchange in full:

I have a new method of dealing with randoms who slide in to my DMs on all platforms:  I ask them for money.  My thoughts are this;  my time is precious and valuable and if they want to waste it they can damn well pay me.  It ends the conversation right there usually.  There've been a few who tired to negotiate my "rates" ($100 for not blocking you instantly + $100 a week so that I don't block you).  Other than 2 out of the 2-3 dozen I've tried this with, it's been remarkable successful at getting weirdos to leave me alone past first contact.  No money yet though... *sigh*.

In closure, I am just going to plead to the humanity of those of us who share in this cyber world...Get the hell out of my DMs unless you're there to offer me money, cupcakes or all the glittering things, and no one wants to see your genitals in their in-box.

1 comment

  • Robert

    Great post!

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